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Stacey — It makes so much sense that your gremlin is freaking out in moments when you’re “putting yourself out there” (publishing a blog, giving a presentation, etc.). I agree with Rachel that your self-worth feels pretty solid, but the confidence piece gets shaky because of that pesky gremlin.
I really like your question of how to deal with the gremlin in real-time. I definitely recommend doing a gremlin dialogue (see the workbook for examples) immediately before doing anything that feels scary and vulnerable. Your gremlin needs soothing and reassurance before you hit publish or walk out onto the stage so it can stay calm enough to let you move forward with relative confidence.
I don’t want to act like a sporadic gremlin dialogue is a cure-all, though. The truth is that this is a long-term job of practicing responding to that inner fearful voice with compassion, non-judgment, and a bit of tough love (the same as you would respond to a scared toddler, because that’s really what your gremlin is). The more you practice that in less stressful moments, the easier it’ll be in the big moments when the gremlin goes into full-on panic.
Sacha — First of all, thank you SO MUCH for sharing so candidly what’s coming up for you this week. I also have to say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this way of thinking. Not even a little bit! You got these views about “appearance = your value as a person” honestly because that’s how our society operates. Amplify that by 100 for women, since women’s societal value has been connected their physical appearance since the beginning of time. So please don’t be hard on yourself for being “judgmental” or fixated on this — it’s nearly impossible to NOT be affected by this in our culture!
It seems like your gremlin has an arbitrary idea of what constitutes the “perfect” amount effort into your physical appearance — except, there is no such thing as the “perfect” amount, and so you always feel like what you’re doing is either not enough or too much. Remember, the gremlin only gives you these messages out of fear, so it could be helpful to try a gremlin dialogue where you ask what it’s so afraid of. Is it afraid of you not being accepted? Loved? Comfortable in your own skin? Is it afraid of rejection, or failure, or disappointment? What is it protecting you from? Once you understand the deeper fear, you can respond from that loving, soothing way, the same you would to a scared child.
The thing is, you know how to do this. You’re already responding lovingly to your daughter’s gremlin, and yours is just the same. Imagine how you would respond to your daughter saying the things you hear in your own head, and respond to your gremlin from the same unconditionally loving place. It’s going to feel weird and uncomfortable at first, and you may not totally believe what you’re saying to yourself (that’s normal), but eventually you WILL start to re-write your neural pathways so you condition yourself to respond differently.
And please, please don’t use this concept of the gremlin to be even HARDER on yourself! By that I mean, don’t judge yourself when your gremlin takes over and you don’t know how to calm it in that moment. That’s like judgment on top of judgment! Remember that you’re practicing this and it’s going to take a while to learn a new internal response, especially when the world around you is going to try and re-install all those old beliefs about appearance = worth. This isn’t an overnight change, but you’re absolutely on the path to flipping some of these beliefs on their head. The fact that you’re even aware of these thoughts is HUGE! Most people are thinking the SAME thing, but never recognize it as a GAIL, so they can’t ever change their mindset. You’re way further along than you’re giving yourself credit for.
I want to end by quoting you back to you (lol): “In a way it is letting go of the blueprint for past successes in order to achieve future results that are not prescribed using that template.” YES!! Beautifully said. That’s exactly what we’re doing in Week 1. You’re totally on the right track.
Thank you again for being so open and sharing what this is bringing up for you this week. Keep updating us along the way!
JoAnn — that’s really wise of you to recognize that your chronic anxiety was really just your gremlin being extra loud. And it’s normal for your gremlin to freak out, especially in new situations like applying for or starting a new job. Anything that makes it feel uncomfortable or threatened will make it louder because it’s trying so hard to protect you.
What I think might be really helpful for you is to try the gremlin dialogue exercise in your workbook. Since the point of learning about GAILs isn’t to eliminate all of them and destroy your gremlin (you can’t do that, and you honestly wouldn’t want to), the best thing you can learn to do is respond to your gremlin differently, and more productively. The gremlin dialogue will help you do that!
Thanks so much for sharing how this week’s section about beliefs resonates for you!
Here are all of the books we mentioned on the Week 1 live hangout:
First, all of the Brene Brown books in order. We can’t recommend these enough!
The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown
Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown
Rising Strong, by Brene Brown
Braving the Wilderness, by Brene BrownBig Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbertt (an amazing book all about fear and living a creative life. And by “creative,” she doesn’t just mean artistic … she means any sort of life where you express yourself, which is the only sort of life to live, in our opinion!)
Love Warrior, by Glennon Doyle Melton — This is a truly amazing book that will make you feel ALL of the emotions, while inspiring you to be a more authentic, courageous, resilient person, even when you feel like you’ve hit your own personal version of rock bottom. This is one of our all-time favorites and a book we’re constantly recommending.
These are all NYT Bestsellers, so they’ve been vetted and well-loved by many, many people. They’re all incredibly good reads, in their own way.
Hi Annette from Australia! 🙂
As a Side Hustler, INGF, Type 7/9, it’s no wonder you have lots of ideas and energy! If anything, I imagine your challenge is having TOO
MANY ideas, instead of having no idea what you want to do. (You’re going to especially like Week 2, when we give you a great framework for narrowing down possibilities.)Also, you sound like a true empath who’s sensitive to the energy around you (I bet there are lots of us here!). You’ll definitely learn some ways of discerning your beliefs/values/feelings from other people’s over the next few weeks, too.
So glad you love the podcast and decided to join us for this final round!
Hi Sacha!
I can already tell you’re in the perfect place to get started with this course! You’ve been doing plenty of personal development already (loved seeing the interplay between all your assessment results!), and you’re ready to make some big changes — to both your mindset and your career situation.
I LOVED your line: “I am done with trying to figure out “what to do with my life” and instead want to figure out what to do NEXT.” YES! That mentality is going to serve you SO WELL throughout the PPVE (and beyond). Trying to figure out what to do with your entire life is super daunting and comes with an insane amount of pressure — you’ll put yourself in analysis paralysis. Figuring out what to do NEXT is far more reasonable and way less scary.
Can’t wait to hear what “aha” moments you have over the next few weeks!
Welcome JoAnn!
I’m sure a lot of people here can relate to feeling disenchanted with their work for a long time … maybe for their whole career so far! But just because you haven’t found work that aligns with who you are yet, definitely doesn’t mean it’s not possible. I’ve seen people learn more about who they are and what they want, and then make a career change that was MUCH better suited to them, no matter what point they’re at in their career.
Here’s to 6 weeks of self-discovery, insights, and direction-setting!
Hey Dave!
It’s clear that you’ve been putting in the work to figure out who you are and what you want, and I’m so glad you’re here to take that to the next level. That’s exactly what we’ll be doing over the next 6 weeks!
I was really struck by this line of your intro: “I have felt life has been happening to me and at times I have really felt lost in what and where I want to be headed.” I think that perfectly captures how a LOT of people in this course have felt so far in their lives, so you’re absolutely not alone. But it definitely does NOT have to keep being like that, and you’re taking big strides to break that pattern.
Can’t wait to hear what insights and inspirations come to you throughout this course!
Hi Alicia!
I love that you’ve clearly been doing a lot of the internal work for a while! That tells me you’re perfectly primed for the PPVE. 🙂
You’re so right that having an idea of where you want to go and actually doing what it takes to get there are totally different things. So yes, this course will definitely help you clarify & confirm whether you’re on the right track, and then help you push past the barriers that are holding you back so you have the motivation and confidence to go after it.
I hope you’ll keep us updated along the way!
Welcome Maurene! Another Ravenclaw…I love it! 🙂
I’m excited to hear more about the path you’re feeling called toward as we get deeper into the course. Even when you have a *pretty* good sense of direction, it’s totally normal to have doubts and fears about actually doing what it takes to move in that direction. You’ll definitely get some clarity and courage through this process, though!
So glad you’re here, and thanks for the nice feedback about this intro forum. I agree, we’ve already got a great group forming. 🙂
