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You’re welcome, JoAnn! I know the situation is frustrating; it’s understandable you’re feeling stuck. Keep in mind that you always have a choice, as annoying as that might sound! You can choose to accept things as-is (probably not possible nor advisable!). You can choose to dedicate your time outside of work to something that stimulates you a lot, so that you don’t mind so much that your job is boring. You can look for a job that has a lot of the same circumstances, but more interesting content. You can get creative, and ask for different things to do at work that might stimulate you more. The list probably goes on! But know that you aren’t trapped in a situation you can’t get out of. It just might take some time, patience, and creativity. 🙂 And yes, we’ll be doing 1:1 coaching enrollment again in October, FYI!
Hey Joann,
It’s definitely been a wild 4 months! So, I’m going to turn this back into a question directed your way: The last time you reached out, you said, “Even though it is not my passion, it is an ideal situation for me especially being an introvert, I love staying home and I workout at home too! I know they say that it is important to have that social connection but I am completely content with just my husband and my dog, lol. I will definitely continue working on the program and see what else I can discover about myself but for now I am finally happy the way things are and it is because I was able to come home and work.” It sounded like you’d gotten to a place of Thriver satisfaction–realizing that, as a Thriver, it was OK to not love your job. That your job can provide important things to you (financial security, predictability, comfort) and that, with a foundation of stability, the rest of your life can be an exploration of what you’re passionate about. So, it seems like in the last 4 months that perspective has eroded. What do you think happened?
P.S. Just want to be super honest and say that, as a coach, there are a lot of limitations to helping someone get to the root of what’s really eating at them in this setting. Kristen and I can do our best to offer support and answer questions and give you new things to chew on, but 1:1 coaching is where we really get to the root of chronic issues with people. And I suspect you’d benefit a lot from that kind of deeper, more personal experience!
Hi Dave,
What a crazy time we’re living in! It’s totally natural to be having a difficult time adjusting to the notion of working from home with nothing to do. It’s sort of like having whiplash!
To me, it sounds like classic overwhelm. Not necessarily a big GAIL or anything; just that you’re contemplating SO much things you could be doing that you get overwhelmed and shut down. That’s normal! When you’re standing and staring a mountain, imagining scaling the whole thing is incredibly challenging. But any mountain is scaled in a series of smaller steps, which I think is what needs to happen here.
One big thing that could help you is to break down your to-dos into smaller tasks. “Job research” is probably too big of a task. Maybe “30 minutes of stalking people on LinkedIn,” for example, is a more manageable thing to ask of yourself.
And as for it being tedious and you getting overwhelmed … well, it sounds like you’re already pretty overwhelmed! And I agree that a schedule will probably help you feel less so, particularly if you’re a person who likes structure. The “tedious” thing does sound like something a gremlin would say. Probably because it’s afraid if you implement a schedule you’ll “fail,” so might as well make it sound boring/unattainable to have one in the first place so you’ll never try, and therefore never disappoint yourself.
But I want to remove the expectation that your schedule has to be awesome and that you have to stick to it perfectly from day 1, or else it’s a failure (and you are, too). NO ONE creates a perfect schedule and sticks to it perfectly at the outset (and maybe ever). This is just an experiment! It might take many go-arounds before you find a rhythm that works. And hey, by then we may all be back to life as usual. This doesn’t have to be a super serious endeavor. It can be something lighter and playful, if you let it (and actually, as a Type 6 that’s a very good idea. Sixes tend to get very serious about their commitments, and if you want to move in the direction of growth, integrating a bit more lightheartedness and flow, like a healthy 9, would be ideal for you).
I would say the fortune cookie definitely knows something that you don’t! 😉
I love that you decided to take the day off and go hiking, and then all of a sudden answers and responses came to you like magic! Except it’s not magic at all, of course. It’s just the laws of the how the universe works! When you get into a state of flow/alignment, you release resistance and things can come to you. So I’d say the best strategy for business success is working less and getting outside more! 🙂
Welcome back, Mimi! I’m so glad to hear the PPVE, and our work in general, has been so helpful and supportive to you over the past couple years. And thank you for setting a really great example for the younger people here that age has nothing to do with personal development; frankly, age is just a limiting belief, right? 🙂
Hi JoAnn,
I want to start with your comment about how “For some reason I have in my head that I should be lucky to have a job and nobody really “likes” their job,” and “I feel like I need to just suck it up.” Those thoughts definitely don’t sound like your own; I’m guessing they’re ones you inherited from parents or people around you, growing up. And again, that makes sense given the circumstances your parents grew up in. But we live in a very different world now, and plenty of people like (or love) their jobs, and it’s no longer an unreasonable thing to expect to enjoy your job.
It’s understandable that the thought of “starting over” feels daunting, and that you have no energy for it. Though I don’t think transitioning to another job has to be classified as “starting over;” it feels like a normal, natural thing to want to do if the work you’re doing now doesn’t satisfy you and “makes your skin crawl.” I’d hate for anyone to just decide “that’s how life is,” and accept something for many more years that makes them feel that way.
I think working from home could definitely make a difference in how you feel about your job, but it may not be a 180-degree change either. The setting would improve, but it sounds like the nature of the work would still be monotonous and not engaging, which seems to be a major problem for you. So, could it be that one of your CDFs is something like “Engaged” or “Stimulated” or “Interested”? Something that implies you feeling connected to and energized by the work you do?
Another way to think about this is: If your current job improved to the point where you were happy to say, what are the things that would have to change in order for that to be true?
Keep in mind that, as a mostly-Thriver, you don’t necessarily have to LOVE your job. But even Thrivers need a baseline of enjoyment! And while there are things you enjoy, like some of the perks, there’s enough that you don’t enjoy that’s making it hard to want to stay. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way, and I wouldn’t want you to try to talk yourself out of how you feel just because you think you “should” be grateful or just “suck it up.” Telling yourself to suck it up isn’t going to change the reality of how you actually feel about your job. Giving yourself guilt-free permission to not like it means you create space to consider solutions or other opportunities. As long as you’re browbeating yourself for not liking it, you can’t move on, emotionally or literally!
I’m so glad you’re into the idea of us pulling out old episodes and re-airing them! And that particular episode you mention is one of my very favorites! 🙂
You’re welcome, JoAnn! I can definitely say that you, and everyone else here, are NOT crazy; but it’s understandable that we’ve been made to believe we are, especially when surrounded by people who don’t get us or who actively shame us for who we are/what we want. I’m sorry that your sister is one of the voices of your gremlin! I think almost everyone would agree that some member (usually more than one) of their family is a loud facet of their gremlin. Which makes sense, because it’s often your family that planted them there in the first place. In the case of your sister, just remember that whatever she says about you is actually just a reflection of her–her fears, her values, her experiences. Even if what she’s saying is about you, it’s really not, because it says way more about her and her own skewed beliefs and perceptions!
Hey JoAnn,
I think that many of us with parents or grandparents who grew up in the Great Depression can relate to this money mindset! It’s amazing, when you think about it, just how many people inherited a fear mentality or scarcity mentality around money after such a big, catastrophic cultural event. It goes to show that these beliefs aren’t personal; they’re just very powerful messages that get passed down over the years.
I think it’s pretty ironic (not to mention mean) that you weren’t encouraged to “go to college or be anything” as a kid, but that you were simultaneously made fun of for saying, as a teen, that you one day hoped to be a good wife and mother. It sounds like you couldn’t get it “right,” regardless of what you did or didn’t do!
And I think there’s great value in you taking great care of your family and keeping things running smoothly. If that’s where you find the most joy, then that’s awesome! And I agree, I think there’s definitely a CDF in there somewhere. Words like “Nurture” and “Home” come to mind, for me.
So, I’m definitely going to push back on you saying, “I wish I could work part time so I could have time to do everything I like to do but I don’t feel worthy of that. I feel like I should have to contribute to the financial needs of the household too.” It sounds to me like you’re equating worth to financial value; like what you have to offer isn’t as “valuable” as cold, hard cash. And honestly, that’s a way that people (particularly women) consistently undervalue themselves.
Sure, money is necessary and valuable. But so, too, is someone who supports people’s physical and emotional needs. Who creates a great environment for people to thrive in. Who attends to and balances a lot of needs so that everyone can be their best. How do you even place a value on that?? Again, I think our society tends to put more emphasis on traditionally masculine traits, or “hard” skills. So, we value numbers and metrics (things you can easily count and define, like money) and undervalue more traditionally feminine traits or “soft skills” (things like nurturing, good communication, and empathy).
So, bottom line, I think you feeling worthy of working less and being at home more starts with you redefining how you, and your family measures “worth” in the first place, and acknowledging that what you have to offer is just as (if not more) valuable, even if it’s not as easily measured as cold hard dollars! Let me know what you think! 🙂
Hey Amy,
It’s perfectly valid to compare careers/relationships! We do it all the time with our clients, and are planning a future podcast episode on that topic. 🙂
You ask a bunch of good questions, so let me dive in!
“Is the ‘dream job’ going to meet all of our CDFs? Or will it only hit a few?” — Sometimes a dream job can meet all of our CDFs! And sometimes a majority is more likely. The way I see it is that *nothing* in life is 100% perfect. Every job or partner comes with flaws. And expecting a job/partner to fulfill ALL of our needs is codependent, period! But I think the aim should be for 80% of your CDFs to be met, on average. 80% is a nice, high number! But it leaves room for that 20% of monotony, tedium, frustration, etc. that comes with any job or relationship. Basically, the 20% is the sh!t sandwich (can’t curse in this forum, BTW, or it won’t post your comment! lol) you’re willing to eat because the 80% is something you believe is truly worth it.
So when you then asked, “Can we find some of our CDFs like balance and engaged can be met at work, and then we can get involved in things outside of work that can make us feel interested and purposeful?” The answer to that is totally, yes! Again, I still think it’s best to aim for an 80/20 mix. BUT, keep in mind that your Passion Profile will have an impact on how important it is for your CDFs to be really strongly met through your work. If someone has any Thriver energy, they’ll probably be able to be content with fewer CDFs being met at work, but their CDFs getting met in their personal life will be even more important, because of that. More on the how Passion Profiles come into this in Week 3!
You also asked, “Should we identify non-negotiable CDFs and less important CDFs?” — We’re going to do an exercise in identifying career non-negotiables when we get to Week 4, so stay tuned for that (in short, though: Yes! It’s important to identify non-negotiables such as “I only want to live here,” or “I’m willing to live anywhere if it means getting to do X job, etc.”) But, in general, I think you can certainly rank your CDFs in order of importance if it helps you clarify what needs are most critical to be met! But keep in mind, the phrase “less important CDFs” is a little bit of an oxymoron, because the whole point of “core” in “core desired feelings” is that it’s integral to who you are. So I don’t want anyone trying to lessen the importance of their CDFs, if they don’t want or have to!
