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Kristen and Rachel,
I waited to write about this until it was more definite, but I think you’ll like this story.
After a very slow couple of quarters I had two opportunities come through at the same time, option 1 is exactly what I’ve been looking for for a while and would allow me to continue to work on my business but it’s financially riskier, option 2 seemed more financially secure but would occupy more of my time and was more likely to take my focus away from my business. I applied for option 2 as more of a back-up option when nothing else seemed to be working out.
When both offers came in at about the same time I was pretty torn. Option 2 seemed a lot safer with covid-19 gearing up and financial uncertainty everywhere, but option 1 was ideal for focusing on my business. I was leaning towards option 1, but worried it was the wrong financial decision.
And then…the “financially safer” Option 2 (with an academic institution) instituted an indefinite hiring freeze, but Option 1 (in the healthcare space) is still a go and I started today after signing the contract last week.
So it looks like the universe has decided…
The last few weeks have been very stressful for me both on the personal and career fronts. After working through the workbook exercise on how I could spend my time according to my values, one of the biggest things that came up for me was getting away from the city and getting outdoors more. I’d been thinking more along the lines of getting away for several days to somewhere far away, but it occurred to me that I could just get on the commuter railroad and go hiking an hour north of the city.
Despite having a ton of work to do I decided to take yesterday off and go hiking, and it was exactly what I needed. There were several things that I had not been able to figure out that suddenly seemed to have simple answers. I have also been (impatiently) waiting to hear back from several people on various work related things and suddenly they all got back to me yesterday and today. I think this needs to become a recurring thing…
As I’ve written before, I’ve been really struggling with my business, a lot of things that seemed promising haven’t worked out and I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure the last few weeks. Today, I met my family for lunch and my fortune cookie said “Many successes will accompany you this year”
maybe the fortune cookie knows something I don’t…
Passion Profile and Money:
I used to think I was a Thriver. I wanted to go to work, do my job, not work more than 35 – 40 hours a week (ideally less), and then leave work at work and do whatever I wanted. I felt no shame about this and I still think this is a completely reasonable thing to want, but I was constantly frustrated that I couldn’t find a 9-5 that didn’t bore me to tears, or an interesting job that wouldn’t work me to death. This became even harder to find as I moved up the corporate ladder, I’ve found the more senior the job the less freedom you have and the more hours you’re expected to work, plus I don’t want to manage anyone.
After a really bad experience in the corporate world I started my own company and I now realize how much I hated working for other people, that I felt caged, bored, and like the company owned my time, or maybe even owned me. So it seems that I’m a Firestarter, and I love owning my time and my schedule and being able to implement my ideas without asking anyone else for permission. The problem is there’s still a large part of me that cares about stability and worries a lot about money, and that’s really hard the first few years as a business owner.
Money was very tight growing up and my parents made sure that my siblings and I knew it. There were a lot of unhealthy attitudes towards money and I know that I have issues and a lot of fear around money because of this. Taking money from my parents always came with serious strings attached, even as a kid, so I avoid taking any money from them, and I’m extremely wary of taking it from others. I’ve always been very careful with money, always kept extra savings, maxed out my 401(k) starting with my first job out of college, no credit card debt, and very minimal student loans. I do spend money within reason but I think about every purchase before I make it. For a long time, I’d panic after making a large purchase even when I had a high paying job and I could afford it without any issue. I never spend money without thinking about it, not even on a cup of coffee, there’s always a calculation.
My greatest fear is being owned, controlled, or dependent on others, so money is a huge challenge. I don’t need a lot of money but the idea of not having enough is terrifying.
How do I know when I’m letting money issues and fears influence what I do, and how do I avoid making decisions based on these fears?
I need to start bringing in money in the next month or so or we’re going to have to starting hitting our savings which I don’t want to do.
I’m currently considering whether to get a full time job, I even applied for a few and there’s one that might make an offer soon, but the idea of taking that job makes me incredibly sad.
At the same time there are a couple of contract opportunities that look promising right now, but that was true in the Fall and none of those things worked out, so I’m worried that will happen again.
My CDFs: Immersed, Autonomy, Confident, Close
Immersed: (this one is a giant composite of very different things that provide the same feeling) state of flow, serene, cozi, inspired, engaged, creating, developing new ideas, in nature, certain songs, hot drinks, baths, energized, intrigued, drawn toward, relaxed, optimistic, happy, positive
Autonomy: in control of my time and schedule, do what/when/how I want, not subject to arbitrary rules/schedules/policies set by others, free, independent
Confident: my ideas are not fragile in the face of criticism/questions, I don’t look to others for validation, I know and believe in the value I bring that no one else can bring, authentic, clarity, courage, capable, innovative, integrity, daring, decisive, adventurous, emboldened, empowered
Close: feel connected and love for the people I care about (I don’t need this from my work, only my personal life)
I hosted a 2 hour workshop today and I followed your suggestion and wrote out a gremlin dialogue this morning before the workshop. My gremlin is persistent and not easily convinced so it was a long dialogue and I don’t think I totally won it over, but even though I was still nervous I wasn’t in all out panic mode and everyone thought the workshop went great. I got a lot of very positive feedback.
Running workshops is a big part of my business model so overcoming the panic is a must!
Thanks Rachel, that makes sense.
I generally think that I’m smart, that my work is good and that I can figure things out, until I feel that I have to prove that to someone else in a presentation, interview, business meeting, etc and suddenly I lose confidence.
Whenever I create blog posts I think they’re great, until I try to hit the publish button, and then I’m suddenly convinced no one else will agree. I have a similar problem with presentations. Everything is great until I get in front of the audience and suddenly I’m not so sure, which makes me nervous which makes it hard to think, which means the presentation doesn’t go that well. I used to think that doing more preparation and research was the answer so I’d be prepared for whatever came up, but I’ve noticed the more I prepare and practice, the more nervous it makes me and the worse things tend to go. It’s almost like preparing gives my gremlin time to prepare it’s case as well.
Any recommendations for dealing with gremlins when they show up in real time and you need to be 100% on?
Self confidence vs self worth
I just watched the hangouts replay and you answered a question about having strong self confidence but issues with self worth.
What about the opposite, do you think that someone can have strong self worth but lack confidence, or does lack of confidence imply issues with self worth?
Looking forward to meeting everyone in the forum.
I am a FireThriver, an ENTP (probably), Enneagram Type unclear – type 5 but not a hermit? Maybe I’ll figure it out by the end of PPVE 🙂
I’ve job hopped for 20 years, switched careers at least 3 times, and have two master’s degrees. I have never understood corporate politics and I can’t be bothered to care. Two years ago I quit my high paying but extremely toxic job in the corporate world and started my own company. I’m struggling to make it work, part of which is just normal for a new company, but I believe the other part is me getting in my own way.
I was never happy in the corporate world but mostly I was just bored and restless. That changed with my last job which was truly the job from hell with Voldemort as my supervisor. I wasn’t the only one he terrorized. I’ve spoken to many others who worked with him who all have similar stories. Over two years later it still impacts my confidence, which has always been a bit of a weakness for me. This is a definite problem as I need to self promote as a business owner.
I’ve been listening to the Clarity on Fire podcast for over a year, and it’s my go to whenever I feel stressed or in need of some enlightenment. Thank you Kristen and Rachel for doing this. I love your approach and how you bring in some pretty out-there ideas and somehow make them seem logical to a super-skeptic like me.
I’m very excited to be here and ready to vanquish some gremlins!