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Hi Again!

I took some time to think about my CDFs showing up in my life. Mainly my job, but also trying to bring some awareness to where it is showing up outside of work. Currently I work in a miserable, souless job, but as I have thought about it there are CDFs getting met, for the most part. I have stability in knowing where my money is coming from, and feeling while not being paid well, I can still get by. Connection, I am able to connect with coworkers everyday, and learn there stories and, what drives them in there work, and honestly I love it. Seeing someone light up when they talk about a product they designed or a cool project they are working on, gives me great pleasure. I almost thrive off others passions for things. I work in a department where I am part of a team but I manage my own space, so I have independence/ space and am not micromanaged like the rest of my team. This is one of the happiest parts for me. I don’t get much joy from my work – except the interactions I have with people, or the time I can take to walk around, we are on the water so sometimes I just go and sit there. I realized recently why I am so miserable – one they don’t pay me enough, so, especially in regards to money I am always concerned about a big expense coming up and wiping me out or putting me further into debt. 2. is the lack of integrity of the company I work for. Someone asked me recently if my company offered me a management position to boost my job status would I take it? And for the first time in a long time with absolutely clarity I said no. I don’t want to feel dead inside and, I know some people laugh at us millennials for not working in a job that just doesn’t align, but it truly doesn’t even with the other CDFs matching in some degree.

In my life outside of work I am trying to bring awareness to how my CDFs are showing up. In finding space, I love running, so I have committed to myself to run every Saturday, and as it gets lighter adding some more days in. Finding joy in little things, something as simple as a blue sky after a week of rain brings me joy. I have a lot of GAILs around connecting deeply with others, but I am trying to get better at it, things as simple as reaching out to an old friend, or just going to a happy hour to complain about our crappy work situation with a fellow coworker. Just having some awareness has helped me tremendously. Feeling grateful for the things that I do have, outside work, and the fact that my work situation could be worse, so I can’t complain too much, I will find something else eventually.

I’ve been working on the money issue as well. I didn’t realize I had all these GAILs around that too. I grew up with parents on opposite ends of the spectrum, My Dad was a spender and my Mom was the saver. I probably fall somewhere in between. I have never felt like I’ve made enough, and feel one step from slipping further down. So I play the what if game a lot. I used to avoid budgeting, but it is something I have to do. I now keep track of most everything. I have no spend weeks, as my goal is to really pay down some debts, but it comes at a big cost for me, I feel I can never really do anything for myself. I would love to plan a trip or weekend getaway, but always deal with the fear of wow that will really set me back and I will have to work more to pay it back. I also work to save money, but a lot of times it becomes a cycle of saving or not spending to try and get ahead. I remember thinking about signing up for this course, I knew it would be an expense, but in the long term I knew what I would be learning would be more valuable than the sunk cost, and would pay for itself. Like you said, sometimes it doesn’t make logical sense, but I’ve just got to break some of these barriers. Though most of the time it feels like survival mode to try and get a handle on it. Thank you again ladies for planting the seeds!