Hello All,
I may write a novel but I will try not to, lots to get to. First thank you all for sharing your experiences, they have been helpful to see that we all are dealing with similar things. I have been following a long and wanting to post, so many questions and thoughts have come up over the last 3 weeks. As soon as week one began, shining a light on my GA|IL’s it became like an amplifier to all the things that I have pushed back over the years. The thoughts and fears that have had me just going on through life, afraid to take the next steps. So as I began digging in, my Gremlin was like hold on a minute there buddy where are we going with this? Digging deep? You can’t do that, that’s scary. You’re nice and happy here – except I’m not. So as scary as it is to put this out there: this is about the safest place to do it! Plus I am here, so that is a step in itself.
Some of the GAILS I came up with: I need more experience in the workforce, there is no way I can do x,y,z. You have to sacrifice your needs and wants for others, that is true service. Don’t be selfish. You need money to travel and just enjoy life. Can’t find a job that excites me, I have to start at the bottom rung if I really want to get into a field that fascinates me. I’ve failed in job interviews, before so I’m just going to be stuck in my current role and never find anything! I can’t connect with people. Ugh its a lot to to be carrying around all the time, but now at least I know it is there!
Next I did a couple Gremlin Dialogues: Quite fascinating as well. Here goes:
(I had applied to an internal role at my company, and I was absolutely sure I was qualified and had even been told I should apply for the role by multiple people, whelp I got a form letter on a Saturday saying thanks but no thanks. It was a crushing blow which sent me towards this dialogue.)
Gremlin: You are trapped and nothing is going to work out.
Me: Okay, you’ve been here before and something eventually happens.
G: But, what if it doesn’t, what if I’m stuck here forever?
Me: Forever is a long time!
G: You didn’t get accepted for an interview, this always happens.
Me: Maybe they had someone else already chosen and they just had to post the role.
G: Yes but your experience isn’t enough.
Me: We don’t know that, we need some evidence.
G: This keeps happening!
Me: Yes, I see that but at the very least I am not giving up and am taking small actions, always moving forward.
This helped calm me down, I was still saddened and disappointed that I didn’t get called in for an interview, but I am feeling that perhaps this door was not the correct door for me.
(A second dialogue I had was based on, the feeling I am feeling behind in the course. I have been reassured by the e-mails to go at my own pace, but it still comes up so here goes.)
G: You’re not doing enough in the course and are already falling behind.
Me: Okay, what’s going on here?
G: It feels scary to dig in!
Me: Okay, but your own pace is fine.
G: You won’t be able to ask good questions.
Me: Are you sure? Let’s keep digging in and see as they present themselves, something is bound to pop up!
G: Maybe I just don’t get it and won’t ever change.
Me: You are here and that is a start! I count that as a win.
G: I guess so, but what if I don’t finish or don’t learn anything.
Me: I can guarantee you will learn at least one thing and may even enjoy it!
A big thing for me has been making the time, even if it is 10-15 minutes set aside a night. I resist for a while, until I brake some unseen barrier and then the thoughts begin to flow. I have been struggling with resistance of sitting down with CDFs but I have been making slow and steady progress. Some time ago as I began my personal development journey I worked on figuring out my values, some I believe are things that are just not being met, as Rachel mentioned about respect in the video. A value that is huge for me is Stability, and that may be because I really don’t have a whole lot of it going on right now. Anyway my values as I see them are
Stability (Grounded,steadfast, and strong in my beliefs and knowledge of myself, knowing where I stand, a job and paychecks that are guaranteed each day, knowing what I’m doing every day)
Connection (meaningful relationships, especially deep 1:1 relationships, understanding others, staying connected to old friends and colleagues)
Space (running, outdoors, nature, alone time, vastness of the universe)
Joy (finding joy in little moments when things aren’t going well, taking in moments and experiencing them, living in the present)
Integrity (standing up for what is right, fighting for others, bringing whole self to whatever I do)
Would you consider these CDFs, or should I continue to fight resistance and see if I can get a level deeper? These resonate with me in a huge way, just not sure if more feelings could be found. Anyway this chapter of my novel is complete. I have more, but it’s enough for now. Thanks for sticking with my thought pattern. It has been really challenging especially feeling like I am fighting myself, and have been getting in my own way for a long time! Also should I begin to watch the money videos even though I felt I haven’t fleshed CDF out completely? It really helps seeing all this, writing is so cathartic for me. wow