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Passion Profile and Money:

I used to think I was a Thriver. I wanted to go to work, do my job, not work more than 35 – 40 hours a week (ideally less), and then leave work at work and do whatever I wanted. I felt no shame about this and I still think this is a completely reasonable thing to want, but I was constantly frustrated that I couldn’t find a 9-5 that didn’t bore me to tears, or an interesting job that wouldn’t work me to death. This became even harder to find as I moved up the corporate ladder, I’ve found the more senior the job the less freedom you have and the more hours you’re expected to work, plus I don’t want to manage anyone.

After a really bad experience in the corporate world I started my own company and I now realize how much I hated working for other people, that I felt caged, bored, and like the company owned my time, or maybe even owned me. So it seems that I’m a Firestarter, and I love owning my time and my schedule and being able to implement my ideas without asking anyone else for permission. The problem is there’s still a large part of me that cares about stability and worries a lot about money, and that’s really hard the first few years as a business owner.

so Money:

Money was very tight growing up and my parents made sure that my siblings and I knew it. There were a lot of unhealthy attitudes towards money and I know that I have issues and a lot of fear around money because of this. Taking money from my parents always came with serious strings attached, even as a kid, so I avoid taking any money from them, and I’m extremely wary of taking it from others. I’ve always been very careful with money, always kept extra savings, maxed out my 401(k) starting with my first job out of college, no credit card debt, and very minimal student loans. I do spend money within reason but I think about every purchase before I make it. For a long time, I’d panic after making a large purchase even when I had a high paying job and I could afford it without any issue. I never spend money without thinking about it, not even on a cup of coffee, there’s always a calculation.

My greatest fear is being owned, controlled, or dependent on others, so money is a huge challenge. I don’t need a lot of money but the idea of not having enough is terrifying.

How do I know when I’m letting money issues and fears influence what I do, and how do I avoid making decisions based on these fears?

I need to start bringing in money in the next month or so or we’re going to have to starting hitting our savings which I don’t want to do.
I’m currently considering whether to get a full time job, I even applied for a few and there’s one that might make an offer soon, but the idea of taking that job makes me incredibly sad.
At the same time there are a couple of contract opportunities that look promising right now, but that was true in the Fall and none of those things worked out, so I’m worried that will happen again.