Hi Kristen,
Thank you so much for that thoughtful response. When I looked back at the initial Gremlin Dialogue and it was about productivity (or lack thereof). I tried what you suggested and here is what happened:
Judy (my Gremlin’s name, no idea why, it just came to me) – Sacha, you only ran 2 miles today. That isn’t going to get you healthier or help you fit into the clothes you wore last spring.
Me: yeah but I ran 2 miles and I almost didn’t go
Judy: yeah but you should have organized your time better today and then you would have been able to run for longer.
Me: true but I did accomplish other things that needed to be done
Judy: it is no wonder you feel so out of shape and can’t fit into those clothes – you put yourself last and can’t manage your time well
Me: yeah that is true, I did not run as long as I wanted to but it felt good to at least make the choice to run outside near my house even though it was drizzling instead of wasting 20 minutes getting to and back from the gym and running on the treadmill.
Judy: If you don’t go to the gym every day then you will never make progress on your goals to lose weight.
Me: I like going to the gym, running, working out, dancing, swimming and it is true that I don’t prioritize those things.
Judy: it is your own fault. you don’t have a job so you have all the time in the world and you waste it on other things.
Me: it is true that I get disappointed when a day goes by and I haven’t moved my body in a healthy way at all.
Judy: you used to set priorities and accomplish them and you used to work out when you said you would. you can’t keep your own commitments.
Me: I do keep on making the same mistakes in terms of time management and always, always end up rushing and then i never have time to look my best.
Judy: if you have all this fancy makeup and jewelry and you don’t make time to wear it then what is the point? you haven’t even gotten a jewelry box and it has been on your to-do list for months
Me: yes, that is true, there are tons of things on my to-do list and I need to get them done. there isn’t enough time!!
Judy: well, there is enough time but you waste it and can’t manage it well.
It seems that there is a theme emerging with regards to productivity, time management and organization. I do still feel very connected to the idea that I place a disproportionate amount of value on appearance but I think underneath that is this frustration that I could be a part of “that” crowd, or find the “perfect” balance of present-ability, but I don’t have my head screwed on straight and I just keep running around like a crazy person. This is odd to me since many, many people think I am super organized. The joke is that I know where every single item in my house is at all times (and I have three kids ages 8 and younger!)
Again, thank you for reading and responding to my original post. I’m excited to dig deeper into my GAILs, specifically around this topic:
Limiting Belief: – I can’t find a job that makes enough money and drop-off/pick-up my kids and workout every day.
Assumption – that if I lose weight and get in shape I will always gain it back and stop working out
Interpretation – unless I work out for at least 30 minutes it isn’t worth it
Gremlin – – that once I “get/do/realize xyz THEN I can do what I really want” because I’m not good enough or ready now
So the irony as I see it here is that I am setting myself up to fail with this GAIL. If I don’t make constant progress towards my goals to work out, keeping in balance with the demands of a worthwhile job and raising my kids as a newly single mom, and I don’t keep it up all the time for fear of stopping and sliding backwards in terms of progress and upwards in terms of the scale, and if it isn’t a specific way of working out (because to me it feels ‘less than’ if I work out for 10 minutes on my app or my FitBit) then I will never be allowed to get what I really want, since I’ll never “get there” in terms of improving my health, weight and overall appearance. I feel like I’m not good enough right now, I am not worthy of nice things, which gets reinforced when I don’t work out according to this schema. Ughhhhhhh these freakin’ GAILs. Dammit Judy!!